Broadway Bowling: The Latest Extreme Sport Taking St Ives by Storm

There’s a new trend sweeping through St Ives, leaving residents concerned and emergency services working overtime.

Welcome to the adrenaline-pumping world of “Broadway Bowling,” where locals take their lives into their own hands as they attempt to navigate The Broadway in what can only be described as vehicular tenpin bowling.

Last night, in the latest round of this daring sport, a lady, who will remain unnamed for legal reasons and sheer embarrassment, made headlines after executing a perfect 7-10 split with her car.

Without a crash helmet and sufficiently lubricated with alcohol, the lady performed her daring stunt to perfection.

Who needs safety when you’re three sheets to the wind and gunning for glory on The Broadway?

The incident unfolded as the lady in question, under the influence of cocktails which could clearly double as rocket fuel, decided traffic laws were merely suggestions and how the real challenge lay in overturning her car like a bowling pin at the end of a high-speed alley most of us refer to as The Broadway.

Residents report hearing a “thunderous strike”.

One resident we spoke to claimed to have heard a “cheer” following the crash, possibly from a witness delighted by this spontaneous foray into the world of extreme sports.

Eyewitnesses describe the scene as something out of a Michael Bay film, complete with flying debris, screeching tyres, and the inevitable arrival of flashing blue lights.

“It was like Fast and Furious meets The Great British Bake Off,” said one local, who was more concerned about the damage to boarded-up heritage buildings rather than the overturned car.

“But you know, with more soggy bottoms.”

A Bowling Trend

Last night’s accident occurs mere weeks after an incident with a daredevil taxi colliding with “bowling pin” bollards at The Waits.

A resident of Mews House on the corner of The Waits and Ramsey Road expressed distress as the new trend of Broadway Bowling continues.

“Historically the street has always been prone to loud exhaust popping and late-night squealing tyres as local youths try and fail to prove their manliness, but the act of bowling cars takes the matter to a worrying extreme.”

The Rules of Broadway Bowling

For those unfamiliar with this rapidly growing trend, Broadway Bowling is a high-stakes game that seems to have only two rules: 1) Get your car onto The Broadway, and 2) Try not to cause a multi-vehicle pile-up.

Bonus points are apparently awarded for creativity in flipping your vehicle, the number of traffic cones you can knock over, and whether or not you can escape the scene before the police arrive.

Extra credit if you’re wearing something completely inappropriate for the occasion, like high heels or a onesie.

A Word from the Authorities

Local authorities are, understandably, less thrilled about this new pastime.

“We strongly discourage this behavior,” said a spokesperson from the Cambridgeshire Constabulary, as they loaded yet another vehicle onto the back of a tow truck.

“The Broadway is not a playground, and cars are not bowling balls.”

Despite the obvious dangers, we hope the trend of Broadway Bowling isn’t here to stay, and we recommend these daredevils instead try their luck in the car trap at the other side of town.

The Future of Broadway Bowling

As for the lady behind last night’s spectacular rollover, sources say she’s currently recovering at home with a hangover that rivals the intensity of her driving. Let’s hope any return to The Broadway she does so on foot.

Let’s not let Broadway Bowling take its place as St Ives’ most infamous sport. As a resident yourself I’m sure you agree our favourite pastimes should remain as competitive duck feeding and avoiding potholes on Needingworth Road.

So, if you find yourself in St Ives on a Friday night and hear the unmistakable sound of rubber burning on tarmac, get your camera ready – it’s just another game of Broadway Bowling, where the stakes are high, and crash helmets are optional.